Emotional mastery (part 2) – the truth about emotional control

Any path of personal development will almost certainly at some point enquire about emotional control; whether that question be about changing emotional responses, increasing emotional feelings, suppressing emotional reactions, or something else. Our emotions can be an empowering force in our lives, but equally, at times, emotions may feel restrictive, limiting, or something which needs to be overcome.

 

In my last article – why emotions are powerful – I explained why the emotional mind has more immediate power to determine your behaviour than your logical mind. As such it is of great interest to us to be able to affect, or completely determine the functions of our emotional mind.

 

 

Many people, when they are unhappy with the emotions which are being summoned up inside of them, attempt to resist or suppress those feelings. By this I mean that they are resisting experiencing the feeling at all on the inside.

 

This results in an internal conflict which can lead to extreme irritation, pain, stress, and lots of other negative things.

 

If you have ever tried holding your breath you know there comes a point when the body takes over, the mouth opens beyond your control, and you take a gasp of air. You have no choice in this, it just happens. Imagine trying to resist it – at first there would just be discomfort, but shortly afterwards there would be pain and self-conflict, perhaps even, if you had the will to resist for long enough, there could be lasting pain and damage.

 

For another analogy of what it’d be like to resist emotions on the inside – begin clapping your hands. Imagine your left hand is an emotion and your right hand is your consciousness attempting to resist it. Now begin to clap harder and harder - as if you're trying with the one hand to stop the other moving at all. You don’t actually have to do this, it’s just an example to demonstrate a point ;)

 

At some point your hands will start to hurt, probably fairly quickly. Perhaps if your right hand claps hard enough your left hand will be pushed back a little – but it won’t stop, it’ll still be there trying to arise. The only thing you achieve is temporary resistance, and very sore hands.

 

Self-resistance is not a good thing, and fighting an internal battle with your emotions is certainly not a productive way to tackle emotional control.

 

If an emotion arises, the cause has already fired within your mind. There is little point in trying to suppress the feeling now. At a later time you could look into what caused the emotion, and investigate the possibility of changing that or releasing it. However, for the moment in which an emotion has arisen there is only one sensible cause of action.

 

 

You should attempt to welcome the emotion. Let the feeling flow through your body without any resistance, experience whatever it feels like right in this moment. Even if the emotion is negative or troublesome – it will be much more beneficial for you to accept it.

 

This is exactly the same as the first step in the highly acclaimed Sedona Method. (you can read some details about that in my article on effective emotional release.

 

If it helps, say to yourself, “could I just welcome this feeling?” Is it conceivably possible that you could just allow the feeling to be inside?

 

If you have trouble accepting the emotion, do not worry because you have only just began this process. It may take some time to develop a habit of internally accepting all of the feelings which arise in your body – but trust me it is worth it.

 

 

Acceptance of sensations in the body, and in this case emotions, is another one of the many great benefits of a trained mindfulness practice. For more details on what mindfulness is click here.

 

If you wish to practice a purely acceptance based form of mindfulness, here are some simple steps which, if you wish, you can try right now. The kind of acceptance below is what Shinzen Young describes as equanimity – which means to observe something but without affecting it in any way.

 

1. Begin with a short minute relaxation. If you wish then you can sit with the body up-right and the back straight, and breath deeply from the abdomen – however, none of these things are necessary.

 

2. Now observe the internal sensations in the body. Feel the sensations wherever they may currently be in the body. Feel the sensations of relaxation, of stress, of warmth, or of whatever it is you are currently experiencing.

 

3. As much as you can, accept completely those sensations. Accept them completely in the moment as they are. In some ways it may feel like conscious surrender to those sensations – do not be afraid just allow it to happen. Don’t try to change anything, just accept everything.

 

4. Any time that your focus changes from the sensations in the body, accept that change too but then carefully guide your attention back to the sensations within the body.

 

 

Since we have discovered that internal resistance is an unhealthy way of trying to control emotions – what other options do we have?

 

 

To fully understand what I mean by this, you must understand the distinction between how emotions are felt internally and how they are expressed externally.

 

Can you imagine feeling warm and pleasant on the inside, but appearing calm and neutral on the outside?

 

This is internal acceptance, but external repression. You are fully welcoming the pleasant emotion internally, but you are choosing not to show it.

 

This is an option for us in the case of negative emotions which we do not wish to affect our lives as much. In many situations it is beneficial for us, or more appropriate for us, to not externally express the emotion we may be feeling.

 

For example if anger is felt towards a person perhaps in a certain situation you may find it more appropriate to accept the emotion on the inside, but to not act upon the feeling and also to not show it at all.

 

 

This is a complicated skill to learn – it takes time. Certainly the first step in cultivating such an ability is to develop internal acceptance as described above. Interestingly enough, once you have developed the ability to accept emotions on the inside, you will actually find it easier to choose whether or not you show them.

 

It’s another irony of life that those people who attempt to suppress their emotions who end up appearing to express them very obviously. Whereas those who accept their emotions are given more of a choice in the matter.

 

If you are able to completely accept emotions internally but are still struggling to control your external behaviour or exhibiting the external symptoms then I would recommend working on a relaxing meditation when such moments arise.

 

Allow your face and body to relax completely. Focus upon the emotional feeling in your body and welcome it with acceptance, while also paying attention to your relaxing external body.

 

At first this process may be difficult – the trick is to ensure that at all times you have a mindset of acceptance. Included in this acceptance is you accepting that you are currently exhibiting some signs of the emotion, but that you are gently relaxing that expression until it becomes a neutral expression of calm.

 

This is all well and good for situations when you don’t have to do anything other than relax. However, what about the case in which you wish to actually go and do something but an emotional reaction is limiting your ability to do so?

 

 

Acting in the presence of fear is the very definition of courage. Equally the term can apply to acting in the presence of anger (walking away from a fight) or acting in the presence of hunger (choosing not to eat when on a fast).

 

Courage is one of the finest traits a person can cultivate – and indeed it is something that is cultivated. Few people are born courageous. If you do not think of yourself as courageous just yet – now is the time to decide that this is something you are going to become.

 

Courage is an ability to say to yourself – “I’m going to do this anyway, even though I’m feeling afraid.” Then you set-off, you do it, and you don’t look back.

 

This does not mean you stop accepting the internal emotion as described above, quite the contrary, the emotion needs to be present for courage to be called courage! Acting bold in the presence of no fear at all is what is called confidence – it is not courageous.

 

Courage is over-coming the fear, or other emotion. You feel the emotion, and you rise above it and take action.

 

Every time you do such a thing, your courage muscle is flexed and your ability to act courageous in the future increases. Remember to give yourself a good pat on the back afterwards, even if things didn’t quite turn out as you wished. Any act of courage is worth a good deal of self-reward.

 

There is one more thing to consider when cultivating courage – and that is motivation. Without sufficient motivation, your ability to be courageous may feel weak in the face of a strong fear. However, if you were to increase your motivation then you amplify your chances of acting in a courageous manner.

 

What can you do to increase your motivation?

 

Well, you can read this for starters – how to motivate yourself.